A mistake

Have you ever done something really stupid? Something that seemed to make perfect sense at the time, but in retrospect, you wonder what in the heck you were thinking? Something that you later realized was just flat out wrong? Well, I did one of those things. And it took me a couple days to really realize the magnitude of what I had done. But when I did realize, I was enveloped with guilt. I didn't want to try and fix it. Some time had passed and I realized that the passing of time would only make it all the more awful to fix. So I tried to rationalize what I did. I really tried. And maybe it worked for a while, but ultimately it failed. I spent the entirety of my day after work yesterday thinking about what I had done. Seriously, the whole day. I thought about it while we watched TV. I thought about it while we played games with friends. I thought about it while I was trying to sleep. And I struggled to sleep. I couldn't get rid of the feeling. Even if it wasn't at the direct forefront of my mind, it was sitting in the pit of my stomach. I felt it the whole time. I spent a lot of time worrying about what would happen if I fessed up. I thought about what people would think of me. I thought about what kind of trouble I would get in. And I was terrified. I hated the feeling. But after a while, I made up my mind. I realized that all of that would pass. People might think ill of me for a while. I might even lose my job. But in a few days or weeks or months or years, all that would just be a memory. On the other hand, if I didn't come clean about it, I would carry that with me forever, knowing that I didn't have the courage to do the right thing when it was hardest. And I knew that would follow me even beyond this life. So, when I got to work this morning, I pulled my supervisor aside, and I told her what happened. It was hard. I was shaking. I could tell me voice was ultra high pitched. I was sure I was going to cry. Luckily I didn't, but I was on the verge of tears the whole time. I really was sorry. And I really knew I hadn't done the right thing. And I was willing to accept whatever consequences there were to make it right. Luckily, my supervisor is actually a really nice lady and she handled the whole thing in such a professional way. She helped me know what to do to make it right, at least as much as I could by that point. She never criticized me or treated me poorly. She didn't even penalize me (maybe that'll come later. Maybe she was too worried about doing so when I was so hysterical). For the rest of the day, I felt like I had an IDIOT sign pinned to my forehead. Probably most of the people I interacted with at work today don't know what happened. Probably some of them never will, but I still felt dumb. Embarrassed. Alone. But you know what I didn't feel? That pit that had moved into my stomach seemingly permanently yesterday. I really did feel a burden lifted right off me. I still regret what I did. I still feel ultra dumb about it. I still wonder what was going through my head at that moment. And it was hard to confess. It is going to be hard to know that my coworkers know that I did such a stupid thing. None of that was, is, or is going to be easier than I had anticipated while I was trying to rationalize away my actions. But at least now I can go through it all with my conscience a little clearer.