Med time at work isn't my most shining time in terms of patient care. I usually have an awful lot of patients and an awful lot of meds to give out with a short period of time. I never get to spend enough time with each patient, even though I do always just try to tidy up their rooms a little, make sure they're comfortable, and see what I might need to delegate to my CNA before I leave. It kinda makes me sad.

Yesterday, I really felt it keenly. I went in to give one of my patients his medication. This particular patient, due to brain injury, basically just stayed in bed all day, never speaking, not really even looking at you-- unaware. Well I marched my (not so) little behind into his room and got right to business with his eye drops. Into his eye I put the drop and then startled, realizing he hadn't blinked. Within a couple seconds, I was running down the hall, calling a code, or a stat as we call it at my work, and grabbing the supplies for CPR. Within a few more seconds, I was doing chest compressions on a real human being for the first time in my life. I remember trying to find his pulse, and not really being sure if I could feel one or not because I could feel my heart pounding in every inch of my body, including my fingertips. And I remember feeling terrible, because although it only took me a couple of seconds in his room to realize he wasn't breathing, I didn't notice the second I walked in. Would I have if I had been more focused on my patient and less focused on making sure my meds got out on time? I don't know. We weren't able to save him, and in some ways, it's probably a good thing for him to move on because there really was no quality of life there. I still feel discouraged though. I want to be the best nurse I can be. That entails getting my meds right, but it also entails being mentally present with my patients. Maybe I can step it up a notch here.