Forgiveness

While I am at work, I get to see lots of tidbits of TV. My residents are watching various shows as I go about my work, and I can't help but see a few seconds here, a few seconds there. Most of it is stuff I would never sit down and watch but oh well. On some talk show the other day (Dr. Phil maybe? or Oprah?) there was a story about a girl who had been raped, identified someone as her rapist, and he went to jail only to be exonerated years and years later by DNA evidence. That's all I really saw. Like I said, I only really catch tidbits, which is fine. I'm not there to watch TV.

But I have been thinking this week a lot about forgiveness. Perhaps it's because of that little tidbit I caught of that show, or maybe I was already thinking about it and that's why that tidbit stood out to me. If someone wrongfully accused me of something and basically took away half my life by sending me to jail for it, could I forgive that person? I don't know. Hopefully I'll never find out. That's an extreme example. But let's face it- we all get into situations where it feels tough to forgive someone.

As a child, I had this friend. She was my best friend really. But we just didn't get along. I don't understand it all and frankly, it happened so long ago that I don't really remember most of it, but I know this much- I had a falling out with that girl and as far as I know, to this day she still thinks ill of me. Am I upset about it? No, not really. It's over. I've long moved on. But I am sure she did things and I did things that messed that friendship up, and that is disappointing to me. I have forgiven her. I hope she has forgiven me.

Not so very long ago, I had this friend. She was one of my best friends really. But we didn't get along. I don't understand it all even though I remember much of it well. I wasn't always the best person in that friendship. I didn't always do everything right. I know that's true. But just weeks before my wedding, for reasons I still don't understand, she decided not to have anything to do with me. She didn't come to my wedding. She didn't really even acknowledge my existence again until quite recently. It hurt. While I know I was imperfect in that friendship and am still imperfect, I couldn't and can't imagine how any scenario we lived through justified her just skipping my wedding and treating me like I had dropped off the planet after we had been such good friends. Am I upset about it? Not so much anymore. There comes a time when you just realize that there's nothing more you can do and you just move on. That happened a long time ago for me. I kept extending the hand of friendship for a while after all that happened, but I realized it was over and that was that. For quite some time, I have been comfortable with the idea that I have just moved on from this. But this week, I kept asking myself if I have forgiven her. And the answer is that I am not really sure. I don't feel angry anymore. I don't really feel hurt anymore. I remember what it felt like at the time, and I feel hurt for myself then, if that makes any sense, but I don't really think I am harboring hurt feelings anymore. But have I forgiven her? I still don't know. One definition I saw for forgiveness is "to cease to feel resentment against". Hmmm. I think I am still going through the process of forgiveness, because although I have definitely moved on with my life, and although I hardly even think about that situation or that friend anymore, when I do, I still feel a twinge of resentment. I still think to myself "what kind of person would actually do that?" And I am ashamed that after all this time, I still haven't forgiven completely.

Ever-so-recently, I had this friend. Mostly we just associated because of our church callings. I thought things were fine. But when we were released, she took me aside and said some very hurtful things to me about our time and service together at church. I cried my eyes out and left church early. For a couple days, I fumed and didn't want to have anything to do with anyone from church. I wasn't blaming God. Heck, I wasn't even blaming anyone else at church. I just needed a few days to let the situation diffuse. Diffuse it did, and I went back to church the next week, and I kept going back, and now I have a new calling, and everything is pretty okay. That woman is in a different ward now, so I don't even have to see her every Sunday. Have I forgiven? Nope. Unfortunately I have not. Again, I know I am partly to blame for the conflict. But I cannot understand why she handled it the way she did and I am still stung each week by her words. I think about what she said before I speak up in my church meetings. I think about what she said and did when I associate with other people at church. I feel a kind of suspicion at times, like lots of people are thinking these terrible things about me and they are just waiting to explode one day in a terrible fury like they did with this woman. Look, I know in my mind that I am being irrational. I can step back and objectively look at the situation and see that. But I can't keep myself objective about it all the time. Emotions creep back in and hurt and anger and resentment still linger there.

I don't write all of this to show that I am an awesome person who has been wronged and you should all give me pity. Oh no no no. I don't write this so you'll all think that each of these people I had these experiences with are awful monsters. Definitely not. I'm just spitting out some thoughts, and putting myself out there as an imperfect person in various stages of forgiveness. I like to think that with time, prayer, and love, I can completely forgive the women in the 2nd and especially the 3rd situation as I have the one in the 1st situation I mentioned. I only wish this were something that I could be better at. I wish I could forgive faster and more fully. I know I have offended others in my life and wish to be forgiven for what I did. I guess if that is my expectation, I should learn to dish out the forgiveness more generously.